Childhood summers revisited

Summers for children are a magical and all too brief time.  Days spent swimming, bike riding and playing with friends disappear into memory in a fraction of a second.  But with children the chance to revisit those golden days happen every year.  All too often I am busy running the house and fail to take advantage of time with my boys.  Yesterday I really spent time with each child.  It was wonderful.  The highlight of the day was digging through the  pit  playroom and finding my Pente game from high school.  The eldest was not interested in learning the game so I started with Twin A.  Once he mastered the concept I moved on to Twin B and then let them duke it out on the playing board.  They are hooked!  So hooked that they introduced #4 to the game and spent hours playing.  Twin A and I revisited the game for about an hour before bed time.

Teaching my children the game brought back so many memories.  My best friend and I playing Monopoly for days at a time during summer breaks.  Another friend introduced me to Pente during high school and I can remember spending  all our spare time in the band room with a few others battling for supremacy in Pente.  I lost frequently but I was still addicted. In a time before personal computer games we sat down across from each other and played board games.  Sometimes the only conversation was trash talking our opponents but real conversations also occurred.  Conversations that helped us all formulate our dreams into words.  We talked about our lives, classes, parents and challenges with other friends.  We dreamed of who we would become and where we would each live.  We shared our thoughts and feelings and in doing so created friendships that would last over thirty years. 

Children today have so much pressure to succeed in school or sports that these moments to just sit and play are even more precious. They need this time to be unscheduled and unhurried.  And we as grownups need to join in that time as often as we can.  It nourishes our souls, builds memories with our families and reminds us of times we had forgotten about.  Take some time today to do something you haven't tried in 20 or 30 years.  And enjoy the silly grin on your face the rest of the day.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is my mother's birthday, or because she insists she is still 29, the anniversary of her 29th birthday.  My mom is my rock.  She taught me what it is to be a woman.  Yes she handled the basics such as the horrific memorization of multiplication tables and how to clean a bathroom.  But she also taught me more important life skills.  She taught me to never stop learning.  The mind stays sharp when you learn something new.  Her favorite hobby is sewing and she has never stopped learning new techniques and exploring new ideas.  My mother's sewing helped finance my college education.  My mom taught me about sacrifice.  She and my dad worked full work weeks and then came home and created things to sell at shows on weekends.  Their sacrifice of time and energy meant I had opportunities they could have only dreamed about as children. 

My mother is from a very small town in central Louisiana.  She was raised in a time of segregation.  And yet she always told me to judge people on their behavior, not the color of their skin or the origin of their birth.  Or as she always says, "There is good and bad in all kinds of people".  Because my daddy was in the military we had the opportunity to live over seas twice.  My mom took full advantage of seeing as much of Europe as possible.  My parents exposed me to different cultures, ideas and art at every opportunity.  My mother spent much of my childhood with a travel book in her hands.  From her I learned that our lives are blessed with choices and the quality of our life depends on our choices and actions.  We can mourn changes in our life or we can embrace them and see them as exciting opportunities to learn something new. 

She taught me that not only are children a gift but an immense responsibility.  Giving birth is the easy part, providing an education and teaching them about life is the challenge.  All the money in the world will not raise a child.  Time, attention, love and discipline are required to raise a child.  Giving children your time and attention, giving them rules and consequences, expecting the best and loving them when they are at their worst is more valuable than money.  She has taught me by example and I hope to do the same with my children.  My mother also taught me that motherhood does not end at 18 or 21.  She still mothers me and worries about me and my boys.  I know that I will do the same.  

My mom taught me self reliance and courage.  She is the toughest woman I have ever met.  Mom has never cared what other people thought of her.  She wears what she likes, is friends with people she respects and says what she thinks.  If you mess with her family or friends then God help you because she does not back down until you have been shown the error of your ways.  This woman is solid steel and yet she does not hesitate to offer assistance when needed.  She has shown me that you can love someone and still tell them no if what they want is not in their best interest.  I am blessed to have my mother and I still rely on her for so much in my life.  She is still my moral compass and my inspiration.  Happy birthday Mom and thank you for your guidance and love.

Happy Father's Day

I am blessed to have three amazing dads in my life.  My father, my father-in-law and my husband.   Each one of these men illustrate what being a man really means.  They love their families, they work hard to make sure their families are taken care of and they do not run when life becomes challenging. 

My daddy was a feminist before it became an acceptable word.  He never told me that I could not do something just because I was a girl.  At Christmas as a child I got dolls and Hot Wheels cars complete with tracks.  We fished together and at one time even bought a car to restore although I did not see that one through. He recently gave me a scroll saw and a sander to further my hobbies.  Before I could drive away from the house in my first car he made me learn how to change the tires and check the oil and fluids.  He had a steel pipe in the trunk so I could use it to provide more leverage on the lug nuts, or in case of emergency, as a weapon for self protection.  He taught me to "measure twice and cut once".  He taught me "if a thing is worth doing then it is worth doing right".  But what he really taught me was love.  That raising a child takes time, interaction and putting someone else before yourself.  He taught me about marriage by being a faithful and loving husband.  He showed me that that two people can disagree, have different beliefs or ideas and still love each other.  Daddy showed me that marriage is not about one person winning all the time or one person hitting the other.  He lives out his vows with love and respect for my mother.  He set me up for a successful and healthy marriage by example, not just words.  He gave me the foundation for a successful life and what more could any child ask for of their father?

My father-in-law and I met the day before my wedding.  Hampered by his broken English and my non-existent Spanish there was relatively little thought provoking conversation at that meeting.  And yet he still made it clear that I was welcome in his family, that I would be loved and accepted as his only son's choice of life partner.  Never in 18 years of marriage has he ever made me feel like an outsider.  We don't get to spend a great deal of time together due to geography but this gentle man has still taught me so much.  He, like my father, is a man of principle with a strong work ethic.  When it became clear that jobs were leaving his country he left to find better opportunities to provide for his family.  It meant spending months away from his four children but doing so would give them the finances to attend the best schools in the area.  Above all he believed in educating his children so that they could achieve their dreams.  And that meant sending them to a school that could teach them to be bilingual.  He sacrificed precious time with his family and took jobs that were not always representative of his education so his family would have a better life.  He has lived his life with dignity and love of others.  The embodiment of a real father.

My husband and I have three boys.  My husband, like his father and mine, is a hard working man.  He has earned a great deal of respect in his field by being the one who stays past quitting time to fix the problem.  He is showing his boys that a career takes dedication and the willingness to stay even when the job is hard.  He teaches my boys how to respect women by opening doors for me, treating me with kindness and never raising his voice to me.  The boys are learning how to mow the lawn, take care of a family and have a good marriage by example.  My husband tells the children what he expects from people who work with and for him so they can be good employees one day.  He reviews their grades and discusses why they should focus on school.  My boys like getting in the kitchen because on the weekend they see their daddy cooking breakfast and other meals.  They know that everyone should know how to do laundry, cook, clean and take care of the lawn.  When they make a "girls can't do that" comment he corrects them with examples of successful women.  Even though we have a very traditional family my boys know that women can work in any job and that men should do their fair share in the home.  My husband is teaching by example how to be a loving man.

These three men have given me love and support.  They love my boys unconditionally.  Each of these wonderful men show my boys how to be a real man and a loving father through their daily lives.  They embody the spirit of fatherhood and I and my boys are all the richer for having them in our lives. 

Happy Father's Day to my three favorite men.

Social Media

I have a new addiction.  The television series Bones.  I am slowly catching up on the entire series through Netflix.  Yes, I enjoy trying to solve the murder along with the cast and expanding my limited knowledge but what really fascinates me are the main characters themselves.  The incredible differences between them all and how they learn from each other while retaining their unique characteristics that make them all so interesting.  I wish I saw more of this in real life.  For a while now I have been observing some posts, comments and sometimes attacks between some of my facebook friends and they disturb me.

Because my father was in the Air Force I was blessed with the opportunity to live in a foreign country and multiple states.  Even when he retired it was in an area where a lot of my peers were also children of career military and therefore well traveled.  Then I met and married a man from another country. Through all of these experiences I have been blessed with meeting and becoming friends with men and women from all over the world.  They are of different races, religions and cultures and values but they are all basically the same.  Good people wanting to live their lives with dignity and leaving their families and world a little better because they made a difference.  They have all taught me something about themselves, their cultures, religions or why they do not subscribe to religion.  They have expanded my mind and helped me develop a world view.

Between my diverse friends and a love of reading I understand that anyone is capable of great good and great evil, brilliance and stupidity, generosity and selfishness.  And it is possible to have this multiplicity converge in a single person and even in a single sentence.  That sentence aspect is what is bothering me lately.  I have noticed people posting quotes on facebook and then using those quotes to support their opinions about a topic or belief or as an opportunity to ridicule something or someone they do not agree with at all.  Usually these are political or religious in nature.  Naturally this causes great debate and animosity and sometimes hurt feelings and harsh words.  I find it all very sad.

The reality is any famous person or book can be quoted out of context.  History is rife with quotations taken out of context or twisted to serve a person, organization or country's agenda.  All to often this was the start of a war, massacre or an excuse to enslave or subjugate another population.  The fact that we have not learned from this behavior speaks volumes about the human race in general.  In order for us to learn from each other and have true rational discussions, we as humans must learn how to listen with an open mind.  That does not mean attack with quotes or facts until we force our peer into seeing the world as we do.  We have to understand that people will disagree with us even after our "case" has been presented.  Explaining my religious faith to someone from a different faith or no faith will probably not "convert" them.  What it will do is help them understand some of the motivations behind my actions.  Learning the cultural norms of another person does not mean I have to adopt those norms myself.  Instead it teaches me how not to offend a person of that culture and therefore allowing us to develop a relationship of respect.  Attacking another person's belief system with facts and figures will not change their beliefs.  It will create a wall of resentment and distrust.  It will shut down communication.  That is the antithesis of a social network or social media.  Being social requires communication.  Communication requires respectful and open discourse.

We all need to learn from each other while maintaining our unique characteristics and "quirks" that make us so interesting to others.  The next time you post, like or share something on your favorite social media take a moment to think.  Is this really how you want others to view you?  Are you being funny or are you just being offensive on purpose?  Are you just expressing a momentary thought, celebration or frustration or are you attacking another person to "prove a point"?  Are you really being social or are you just pushing your beliefs for your own benefit?  Will we develop a social relationship where we can disagree but still like each other or are we creaitng more resentment and discontentment?  What is your reason for being on that social media and what are you hoping to achieve?  I hope we can all learn to be kinder to each other and social media is an excellent place to begin.

Normal, Sort-of

My eldest turned 14 last week.   How did that happen?  It seems like just yesterday we were all waiting on pins and needles to find out if the blue or pink stuff was going to go back to the store.  My mother who had rabidly prayed for a girl, just melted when she saw my sweet boy.  "I'll just take all that silly pink stuff back."  In one glance he owned her and still does today.

The eldest has been a blessing and a challenge.  Well really, that could be said of any child.  He has not followed the usual progression.  There have been medical problems and educational challenges that no parent anticipates when dreaming of a baby.   And if I am honest I have not always  recognized them soon enough or handled them correctly.  But we learned something each step of the way.  This child, who I dreamed of teaching so many things has taught me more than I could have believed. 

My child has taught me to stop planning.  I planned on a healthy baby girl.  I got a boy who along the way had multiple medical problems.  I planned on all the arts and crafts we would do together.  But arts and crafts were not so enjoyable with motor skill and visual spatial problems.  We learned to adapt and have very realistic expectations.  I planned on all the extra curricular activities he would participate in but those go away when the basics are already overwhelming.  We have learned to truly live in the moment.  This is a gift.  Now I recognize and fully enjoy those perfect moments in time that sneak up on us. 

Over the years we have heard a lot of platitudes from people trying to understand and commiserate on our journey with a special needs child.  I have learned to hate most of the expressions of caring while still loving the person saying them.  Some things in life you just do not understand unless you are the one sleepless and worrying in the middle of the night.  But now I can truly understand another parent's pain and uncertainty about the future when a new diagnosis is added to the list.  Now I understand why some parents know more testing needs to be done and refuse to proceed.  It is not out of ambivalence or lack of love.  It is self protection, because even parents need a buffer from the bad news sometime.

I have learned to be an advocate for all my children.  My job as mother is so much more than cooking and cleaning.  It is up to me to make sure that my boys receive the best possible care.  It is okay to question, research and if necessary fire doctors, schools and anyone else coming in contact with my children.  If my goals for the eldest are different from the group he is in I absolutely will ask, push or pull the group  to accept him as he is and not expect him to conform.  Society is full of people who have not only their own drummer but their own band.  Enjoy the music people.

Most importantly I have learned to enjoy normal, our version of normal.  You will never catch me sending out one of those phony Christmas card letters listing all the super human accomplishments of my children/family.  We are average, normal, sort of.  And I like normal.  In the last two years God has granted us two miracles.  The eldest has grown out of two diagnoses and I am incredibly grateful.  Does that stop me from asking for more miracles?  No.  But the good Lord knows that I am a selfish only child at heart and I have a feeling he is not surprised.  I will continue to ask for healing, for positive changes because these things can make his life easier, better as an adult.  But each day I will see him for the amazing young man he is becoming, the loving human being he is each day, and I will be grateful.  Grateful for my three beautiful boys, grateful for their health, their loving hearts and for our family's normal. 

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!  Okay so I am 13 days late!  If you ask my mom she will tell you I was two weeks overdue.  So really for me, I'm on time.  Yes that is only in my alternate reality but that is the same one that tells me there are no calories in chocolate.  

We ended and started the new year with family.  My parents were here for Christmas and then we spent New Years with two of my three sister-in-laws.  I finally met my niece and nephew and they were adorable.  After the Grinch made his appearance last month all I wanted was a quiet and peaceful holiday and that was achieved.  No emergency room visits, no break down of vehicles on the trip and not even a speeding ticket.  For my crew this was a miracle in action!! 

So now that we have the new year or as the Mayans thought the "end of times", what have you got planned?  Did you make already break any resolutions?  I only made one resolution this year.  To spend more time with people I love.  Being a home school mom in the mornings and then dealing with homework and activities in the afternoons and weekends means I only see my kids on a regular basis.  Now I love my kids but they are not the only people who I care about in my life.  This year I want to do better about seeing family and friends.  This year will mean more trips to visit extended family, more dates with my husband and more girls night out events.  Moms need to spend time away from their children.  We need to hear other points of view, meet people from different cultures and mindsets and just talk to grownups.   We need to go out with our husbands and remember why we married him in the first place.  This restores our spirit and let me tell you mine needs some restoration after last year. 

I hope your resolutions are going well so far and that you are each on the path to achieving your dreams for 2012.  And just in case those crazy Mayans were right and did not just run out of stellas to write on, I am eating extra chocolate this year.  My last meal might as well be a good one!

The Grinch came early.

Burglary. n. The crime of breaking into a building, home, or some other place with the intention of stealing.

We have been burgled, robbed, hit and any other word your thesaurus specifies.  First off we are all okay!  And really that is the most important part of the story.  We are blessed by the people in our lives, not the stuff in our possession.  Secondly as burglaries go it was a mild one.  No trashing of the interior of the house, they did not take everything we own, no obscene messages left to unnerve our family.  But it has still rattled my world.  Never before have I been "fearful".  A friend and I once chased a car down the interstate as they were throwing furniture at us just because we caught them stealing from a charity drop box.  Smart?  Well, no, but we did get the license plate number to the police.  As a friend posted this week, I have a "feisty" nature.  I can thank my mom for that gift.

It was an ordinary morning with the eldest.  We went to the tutor and then stopped at a store so I could pick up supplies for a jewelry gift I am planning to make.  As we drove into the driveway the eldest pointed to the front doors.  My very large double doors were wide open.  Now once in a while one door will open with the breeze when a child has not closed it completely.  Okay, make that frequently, because kids either slam doors or don't close them.  There is no middle ground.  I knew those doors were locked before I left.  So the eldest was commanded to stay in the van as I went to the door.  My fight or flee response was definitely set for flee but I went in just far enough to see into my bedroom which is right off the foyer.  Nightstand drawer open and a pillow on the floor.  Not the way I left my room.  After that I sent my child to the neighbor's and called 911 and then my husband.  As the afternoon unfolded, because this was after all broad daylight, we figured out that they had forced/kicked open the double doors and stolen two TVs and the majority of my jewelry.  On the whole not as bad as it could have been. 

But then I started itemizing the pieces of jewelry that they snatched.  Now being the spoiled only child of loving parents and the spoiled wife of a generous husband I had a lot of jewelry.  Several custom made pieces.  But it is not the dollar value that upset me.  It was the memories.  The custom ring given to me by my parents for my college graduation, the earrings commemorating the twins birth (with the wrong birthstones because they came five weeks early).  My original engagement ring and wedding bands.  On a daily basis I just wear my anniversary band.  The incredibly ornate ring given to me by one of my favorite aunts.  All the emerald and diamond jewelry given to me over the years.  Emeralds, because my husband and the twins are born in May and diamond, because the eldest was born in April.  The costume brooches that my grandmother wore.  She loved brooches and almost always had one on for special occasions.  To say that tears were shed over the memories lost would be an understatement.  I mourn not for the jewelry but for physical representation of all those birthdays, anniversaries and other important milestones.  They were like pictures lost in a flood or fire.  Irreplaceable.

In addition to the loss of something so intimate is the insult of my pillowcase.  Yes, pillowcase.  Like a papercut next to a major wound, it is the little things that put us over the edge.  The pillow on the floor of my bedroom was left there after the thief ripped off my pillowcase to carry away my jewelry.  Really??  Who knew that creeps thieves do not bring their own eco-friendly shopping bags like we do at the grocery store?  It really galled me because that is the only set of sheets I have that fits my new, fluffy mattress.  And I had just washed all my bedding the day before.  I know, petty, but it still made me hostile.

Perhaps the greatest loss of all is my loss of comfort in my own home.  Now we will be putting in a full-on security system.  Today I skipped mass because I was so nervous being away from home before the security system is installed.  In time this will all get better.  It has only been two days.  But I still hate that feeling of insecurity this event has given me.  I have been in the worst parts of New Orleans, Houston and New York City and have felt more confident and secure than I do now. 

Now that the siniveling is over let me move on to my reasons to be thankful. 

1. I am thankful that the Eldest and I arrived after it was all over.  No surprising  the bad guys in the middle of the crime and ending up hurt.  
2. I am grateful that they did not take anything that belonged to my children.  My children are a little unnerved and angry but since the scum did not appear to go upstairs the boys are not as impacted as they could have been. 
3. The beast dog was not injured.  Because he is so destructive he is kenneled when we leave the house.  He was ballistic when finally released but he was safe.  Of course now he is left out when we leave as a hopeful deterrent.  I am sure we will live to regret him being loose. 
4. I am thankful for the push this has given us to get our ducks in order.  Get appraisals on what is left, recording serial numbers, videotaping a home's contents, installing a security system.  All things we planned to get around to and never did. 
5. And last but most important I am thankful for the outpouring of love and support we have been given by family and friends during this stressful week.  No matter what happens in life, I am always reminded how blessed we are by the people in our lives.

Now we go forward.  We will replace the TV's, a security system will be installed by the end of the week, new memories will be made as a family.  As we go forward I will try to do what a friend gently prodded me to do.  Forgive the thieves and pray for them.  I am not there yet.  Forgiveness is my weakest area but I am working on it daily.  I hope that you all have a less "exciting" week/weekend.  But remember to watch out for yourselves and neighbors.  Tis the season of the grinch and he is a busy, busy boy.